


Carrot + Boomstick

by ThrowYourChaosInNeutralAndDrive



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Action, Comedy, alastor vs. doomguy, doomguy makes an appearance in slight crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-18 12:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21710875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThrowYourChaosInNeutralAndDrive/pseuds/ThrowYourChaosInNeutralAndDrive
Summary: Charlie is trying to persuade the demon Board of Lords to cooperate with her plans for Hell and the hotel.While she's busy playing nice.....someone else is taking care of Hell's overpopulation problem the old fashioned way.Enter Doomguy.
Relationships: Alastor/Charlie Magne, Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	Carrot + Boomstick

Was it excessively bratty to lure the Board of Lords to a meeting under the false pretense that your dad, the head honcho, would be attending? 

It’s Hell, so who cares? 

Charlie wanted to discuss the annual purging. Mostly, she wanted to make a deal to buy more time for the hotel’s ‘pathetic pet project’ to get off the ground. 

She took the master of deal making with her: Alastor. 

The Radio Demon’s presence rattled the underworld’s elite. His shadow pulsed in the corner and his silence was often interrupted by a wobbly buzz and/or other AM/FM sound effects. Arcane symbols could be glimpsed hovering around him from time to time. 

Worst of all - his grin never slid from his face. 

The Lords attempted to ignore him. However, they were largely unsuccessful. 

When the Lords began to deride Charlie, he’d tilt his head and narrow his eyes. When one of them asked (as politely as a hellion could) that he wait outside and Charlie admonished them for trying to dismiss her guest, Alastor’s shoulders moved up and down in sync with his static-filled chuckles. 

“We errrr…….appreciate that your trying to follow in your father’s hoofprints Charlie – lying to people and such – but to be blunt -” 

“I’m not lying to people! Redemption is achievable! I brought a Venn diagram to prove it!” 

The Princess whipped out a flashy board with rainbow circles overlapping each other. Each circle had a holographic halo stickered above it. A dick with wings was drawn in the corner in Crayon along with the scrawl **‘An(aL)Gel wAz hERE!!’**. 

Lord Swindleton coughed into his money (he found handkerchiefs to be droll) and Evil Landlord had to bite his pierced lip to button up a sigh. 

Lil Lord Battery thought the flying dong was priceless. He wiped crusty battery acid off his battery head and cracked his blood-soaked knuckles. 

“Yo, where’s Anal Gel on the board?!” 

“Is the dick to scale? Do you have Gel’s number?” asked Lord Dismember while getting out his phone. “I have like the perfect place to frame it if you could just tell me who’s legs its hanging out between right now.” 

“No – that is – we’re straying from the topic!” said Charlie. 

“Honey, we’re sinners. Straying is what we do,” Lord Crime informed her. 

Chatter was struck up between the Board when Lord Lady (the token lady lord) suggested that Dismember at least test the fit of the dick before framing it. Battery and Crime proposed holding the dick hostage until whoever owned it could spill where they’d come across something as innocent as Crayons in Hell. 

Those were contraband. And a delicacy in some parts of the Pentagram. 

**“BACK TO TASK YOU FUCKING BACKSLIDING HEATHENS!!”**

If Charlie’s fireworks didn’t recapture their attention, her furious roar sure did the trick. Swindleton’s cash was in flames and he had to stamp it out on the board table with Evil Landlord’s bong. 

“Jesus,” Crime muttered. 

If anyone saw him shivering he’d claim that Hell must be finally freezing over. Meanwhile, Dismember looked turned on and scared at the same time. Lady tried hugging Battery who was busy cowering in terror. 

Charlie took a second to collect herself and smother her flames. During which time, the only thing that was audible was Alastor’s heavy breathing. 

“Now,” said Charlie, her voice strained. “If I might use this opportunity to introduce you to Phase 2 of my proposition.” 

She struggled to connect to the (not free yet constantly leeched off of) wifi and begin the slideshow portion of her presentation. 

Alastor closed the blinds for her and she regained her bright demeanor.

* * *

“Do you have any idea what separates the wheat from the chaff?!!” Sir Pentious monologued from aloft his latest Gore Machine. 

Cherri Bomb rolled her eye and juggled several explosives. She stood on the roof of a sweatshop in the direct path of his MEGA Ray Gun. 

“En-frickin-lighten me, Pentwat,” she dared him. 

Sir Pentious cackled madly and activated his contraption, prepping it to fire. The Thot – aka Little Miss Short Fuse – had been a pain in his neck for too long. As long as his neck was actually. And the day had dawned for her to pay! 

He thrust two levers forward with glee. 

“EGGCELENCE!!” 

But another snafu, very similar to his recent clusterfuck involving the Radio Demon, occurred before Sir Pentious could blow Cherri Bomb to Kingdom Come. ((He had bad luck and questionable karma. The cheap psychic on Skid Row had basically predicted this for him for no charge. Even after he paid her to predict something good.)) 

A burst from a plasma cannon decimated his Gore Machine. Pentious was pitched from the control hatch and onto the roof next to Cherri. A few of his minions went the route of Humpty Dumpty and splattered on the pavement below. 

Cherri Bomb would’ve used this as a chance to thrash Pentious while he was down but she was holding her sides from laughing so hard. 

When the smoke cleared, a lone figure stood on a hill made out of bodies. He wore armor, carried weapons, and kicked quantum amounts of ass. 

Heavy metal preceded him. 

“Ah nutsacks,” said Cherri when she recognized the silhouette. “It’s that guy.” 

“Whomst?” asked Sir Pentious, brushing himself off. “What guy? Whose guy? Don’t tell me he’s your ex.” 

Cherri kicked an egg sidekick off the edge of the roof and grinned when its yolk further decorated the road with strewn guts. 

“Tchah! _He wishes!_ That’s that guy. Y’know, the Hell-hating loser from the news.” 

“I don’t watch the news. It’s fake.” 

The pair were on the cusp of arguing and fighting again when a rocket launcher obliterated the roof. Cherri broke her fall on some egg bois. And Sir Pentious snagged onto a ‘Labor Wanted’ sign outside the sweatshop. He coiled around it and hissed at the soldier approaching them. 

“Wut the balls dude?” Cherri griped. She made a couple of makeshift Molotov cocktails and double-fisted them before lobbing the bottles at their shared adversary. 

Pentious ordered his goons to “Don’t just roll there!! Bite his ankles!!” but didn’t do anything himself. Unless you count how his tail, gloved in a new gizmo that was mainly for looks, rattled in warning. 

Doomguy reloaded his chaingun. 

“Sumbitch shoulda told ya to be bery bery quiet.” 

He nearly shot Cherri’s exposed abdomen and he did shoot through the edge of Sir Petious’ hood. 

“CUZ I’M HUNTING DEMONS!!” 

The crazy fuck continued to shoot at them in an attempt to erase them from their second existence. 

Screaming and heavy metal intensified.

* * *

Alastor’s shadow cocked its head before he did. The Board of Lords were pretending to be interested in Charlie’s project. Lord Swindleton dug a pinky in his ear and dislodged a chunk of glowing brimstone. 

“Does anybody hear Kiss?” he asked the others. 

“I’m picking up Black Sabbath,” said Lord Crime. 

The Radio Demon used his claws to pull apart and peer through the blinds. Something…..noisome was headed their way. A swath of destruction, demon yells, and guitar solos were being cut across the city. 

Alastor’s shadow cupped his chin and his master’s. 

Behind him, Charlie plowed on, visibly irritated. 

_“…ripntearandripntearandripntearand-”_

It was coming closer. 

_“ripNTEARANDRIPNTEAR!”_

Alastor’s eyes widened. He drop-tackled the Princess and shielded her right as the wall with the window was smashed to pieces. Doomguy entered the office building. You couldn’t see his expression through his helmet but he radiated happiness nonetheless. 

**“WWOOOH!!”**

He ditched his rocket launcher since it was out of ammo and busted out his ultimate weapons - his fists. 

“MAMA. I think I just located the buffet!! Which one a’you bats outta Hell wants to get gobbled up first?! Don’t matter! Yer all gettin’ _**shit out as hot sauce!!”**_

He leapt towards the Board. 

Demons were his business. And in words of the immortal Lt. Aldo Raine – ‘Business was a-boomin’!’ 

_“I’ll **RIP N’ TEAR AND RIP N’ TEAR AND RIP N’ TEAR!!”**_

Alastor got up off of Charlie while Evil Landlord was turned into Doomguy’s personal punching bag. The soldier was definitely strong for a damned soul. 

“Umm….Al?” she asked, uneasy. 

“Allow me.” 

Doomguy used Lil Lord Battery to beat Lord Lady with. Then he became tired of playing with them and unclipped a grenade from his belt. Alastor didn’t notice so Charlie yanked him back by his coat. 

“LOOK OUT!”

* * *

Over at Channel 666, Katie Killjoy covered the carnage in real time. 

“Breaking news from the posh side of the Red-Light District. Infamous pest and rogue purge officer, Doomguy, is at it again; slaughtering demons left and right after the annual cleansing has concluded for the year.” 

Her co-anchor, Tom Trench, shuffled a pile of papers on their shared desk. 

“Doom’s Kill Count is estimated to be in the millions but is thought to be more in the bajillions according to experts. And it looks like Princess Charlie Magne is the latest target of this douche-canoe’s wrath.” 

Onscreen, explosions and chaos reigned. Katie Killjoy was overjoyed. 

“Yes she is! And she’s getting her SHIT -” ***twist*** “WRECKED!!” ***CRACk***

As Katie readjusted her broken neck, Tom touched the earpiece on the outside of his gas mask. 

“Our eye-in-the-sky Sauron is swooping in on his Nazgûl to better survey what’s happening. Sauron?” he asked. 

Sauron responded in voice-over as he focused on recording the attack for the viewers at home. 

“Hi, Tom. It would seem that Magne’s cohorts have arrived on the scene to help her out but are doing more harm than good. Local porn star Angel Dust just crashed a hijacked bus into Doomguy but almost flattened Magne’s girlfriend in the process.” 

The footage showed a little pink-haired demoness come to Vaggie’s rescue and use her speed to drag the Latina to the side prior to impact. A close-up of Angel dizzily exiting the bus and getting cussed out by Vaggie made Katie erupt into guffaws. 

“Uh-oh. What’s this?” asked Tom as he saw what was going on. “The Princess is being airlifted over the crashed bus by a cat demon. She’s endeavoring to talk Doomguy down.” 

Doomguy swiped at Charlie’s feet which were dangling above him. He caught her heel and sent her plus Husk into a nearby dumpster. 

Katie placed a hand over her mouth in feigned concern. 

“Oh dear. It’s not working.”

* * *

The Radio Demon emerged from the rubble of the office building. 

Acutely pissed now, he collected his mic stand and tapped it. 

“Salutations on-air caller. Please state your song request,” said the possessed object which everyone at Hazbin Hotel had dubbed ‘Mikey’. 

“Give me a moment,” said Alastor as he ambled over to Doomyguy. 

His frown relapsed into an impossibly stretched smile quicker than it had during last month’s Cthulhu Incident. Soldier-man, the self-elected Reaper, was about to rip all of Angel’s spindly spider legs off when Alastor cleared his throat.

He had to do this fairly loudly since discordant chords and drums were still emitting from Doomguy at pounding decibels. 

So…here was another sinner who could generate their own music. Alastor wondered, dark and ominous, how adept was he (Doomguy) at melody manipulation? 

“My, my,” drawled the Strawberry Pimp. “Is that what you think is a good accompaniment to mayhem? I prefer something with a bit more pizzazz, myself. Have you by chance heard of Swing?” 

**“RIP N’-!!”**

Alastor used his powers to transform Mikey into a colossal clock tower-sized scythe. He swung it at Doomguy. 

The soldier dodged but the kickback from the strike’s force wrenched him from the ground. The wind tossed him and the slabs of concrete he’d been standing on up into the sky. 

Doomguy was soon nothing but a sparkling wink lost along the horizon. 

Charlie ran at Alastor. She enveloped him in a bear hug.

“You beat him!! AMAZING!” 

Vaggie was less than impressed. 

“He’ll be back. Your Looney Toon fuckery won’t keep him down for long.” 

“Ha. Ha. Miss Vaggie that mouth of yours needs some fine-tuning.”

Alastor snapped his fingers and (following a zipping sound effect) Angel’s lips were magically closed before he could comment. 

“It’s rather filthy.” 

With another snap, Niffty appeared and began cleaning Vaggie’s mouth out with soap. The lesbian gagged and struggled to get the neat-freak off her. Charlie shoved herself away from Alastor a tad. 

“Cut it out Al. V is doin’ her best,” she chided. 

The Radio Demon smirked. 

“I have no doubt.” 

Insulted by his obviously politely delivered insult, Vaggie spat out suds and fumed. Her grey skin flushed magenta when Charlie flicked her gaze up at Alastor, shuffled her feet, and tugged at her low ponytail; shy and blushing. 

“Thanks for saving us,” Charlie murmured. 

The Radio Demon proffered his arm. She accepted it. 

“Darlin’, what are partners for?”

“I’M HER PARTNER!! NOT YOU!!” 

Vaggie leveled her harpoon (very often mistaken as a spear) at the Radio Demon. Charlie’s delicate hand delicately shunted the harpoon’s tip away from Alastor’s chest. It was pointed where his heart should be. 

But one would never know unless they did an impromptu autopsy. 

Vaggie was ready to volunteer. 

“Come on Vags….that’s not what he meant.”

Alastor agreed with Charlie. 

“Certainly. It was merely a -”. 

The Radio Demon paused to twirl Charlie into his arms and dip her as if they were dancing the Salsa. “Turn of phrase.” 

The Princess giggled. 

Vaggie yoinked Husk’s flask from him just as he was tipping it back for a swig and stole a shot or four. 

“Hey!!”

* * *

Elsewhere, miles away from Hell’s most motley crew, Doomguy was lying in a lake of blood. He floated on his back, staring up at crimson clouds, pondering the battle he’d gone through. 

The Radio Demon’s powers were nothing to sneeze at. 

He was gonna haveta rip n’ tear until that one’s insides were his outsides that was for sure. That skinny sack a’ deer droppings was in for a world of pain. 

“This is a new feeling for me – veneration for another’s abilities…..” he acknowledged. “Unfortunately, it’s overshadowed BY ALL THIS UNYEILDING RAGE!!” 

Doomguy sucker punched Cthulhu and swam back to shore. Chanting about ripping, tearing, and where exactly above his mantel he was going to mount Alastor’s head. 

Little did he know. 

Even the Devil had tried that and not succeeded.

**Author's Note:**

> Doomguy is from the Doom videogames. If u need a quick idea of him…..[this >](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiRnMuXOwDQ)
> 
> I swear he fit too perfectly in the hazbin hotel universe for me to ignore. 
> 
> Wanted to have more goofy fun with this one. 
> 
> The quote at the end is from a Teamfourstar episode featuring Vegeta. Again, if you need the gist it’s clickable [here >](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnzMkJocw6Q)
> 
> Think I lowkey/highkey am beginning to ship Pentious and Cherri Bomb. XD
> 
> Hope y’allz holiday season is goin’ strong and filling you with high spirits. Just not the kind that from the great beyond. Or, u know, the dangerously high kind Angel would hang out with.
> 
> XOXO – from your bitch, Chaos.


End file.
